What does it all mean?

Havn't blogged in a long while... while one reason's cos my com's been giving me immense trouble (continuous trouble for 2 whole weeks--I was tempted to buy a new laptop at IT show but decided to save the$) the main reason is cos I wonder what to blog about.

From the start, I wanted this blog to be a blessing. A place where I can share with others what God has taught me and the lessons I've learnt. And frankly, it seems that the past few weeks have been nothing but depressing.

Its not physicaly depressing. Nope, God has blessed me with enough in that aspect. Rather, I'm kinda down mentally and spiritually. After preaching, I realised that its really, really hard work. I now respect and admire those who do it week in and week out. After just one time, I feel exhausted at all the reading I had to do, all the preparation.

But the worst thing about everything is that... why does everything seem so academic? What has happened to the joy that I had when serving? When reading the Bible meant so much? When the Holy Communion was really a time I spent praying and thanking God with all my heart for what He has done for me. Why does it seem that the more head knowledge I obtain, the less I feel for my ministry. I mean, when I plow through the Bible, read commentaries, etc I feel glad that I'm able to share what I've learnt and read up with everyone else... but why is it that I don't feel joyful at what I'm learning? Is everything that I've learnt just head knowledge? Have I become so critical and cynical at things around me that my heart has turned cold?

But yet, that can't be cos I still feel and experience the different poles of emotions. Great sadness and joy fill my heart over many areas in my life. Though they all seem to lead back to the same road... but I won't dwell on that now. When ministry comes into the picture, it becomes academic and worst of all, I have become critical about everything. Why?? Why??

I really don't know. And though I know, in theory, that this is what the Lord wants me to go through, it doesn't feel that way. Too many negative thoughts, reactions and emotions seem to have clouded the way I see, think and feel.

The question that haunts me now is this: What does the gospel mean to me? I mean really... I don't want the gospel to merely be just a bunch of verses. The gospel should be so much a part f my life that I want to spend my life proclaiming this good news. The gospel should be so intertwined with my human nature and actions that every minute where I'm still breathing, my heart yells "Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!" But no... I have to say that it's not. It's something that I'm obliged to do... not something I'm compelled and hyped up to do.

The Cross... The Resurrection... this redemption plan... what does it all mean to me?

And why do I feel so lonely?

I've got some major thinking to do...